Time Management is about more than time. How to Spot Emotional Obstacles that Impact Our Ability to Wrangle the Clock
Main points, no filter:
✅ Anxiety, depression, and anger impact our ability to manage time efficiently
✅ Cognitive Behavioral Theory suggests that our thoughts influence our emotions and to feel better we need to think differently.
✅ Our brains are hardwired for automatic thoughts and we need practice to recognize and change these distortions
✅ CBT for ADHD will help you recognize, label, and replace the thoughts that are not helpful so you can re-focus and gain traction to get the shit done that you want to get done (even if you don’t have ADHD).
Read more below or schedule a consult, I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes.
When we talk about time management we often think of ways to organize our tasks to use time more efficiently. You can see more in my previous blog about things to consider when managing times. While we can look at and attempt all the behavioral strategies in the world, they won’t work unless we acknowledge the emotional component. It’s kind of like going on a diet without managing the anxiety that is causing you to stress eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. The point being, while prioritizing tasks is important we need to acknowledge the emotional obstacles as well.
First, we need to understand the idea that as humans we tend to avoid things that make us feel uncomfortable. This includes things that bring up emotions such as depression, anxiety, and oppositionality. We will look at depression and anxiety first, oppositionality will get a blog all its own.
How does depression impact time management?
Your typical signs of depression are lack of interest in things that you used to enjoy, low energy, sleep issues, and just an overall feeling of dullness that doesn’t inspire you to do anything beyond the bare minimum. There is an overall feeling of hopelessness that keeps us stuck and hesitant to try anything new.
How does anxiety impact time management?
Anxiety is about the uncertainty of the future or unknown and our attempts to control it. It can often lead to overwhelm or burn out. We try as hard as we can to get everything done perfectly. We look at our to-do list and feel panic and overwhelm. Surprisingly, panic and overwhelm aren’t not a sustainable way to help us stay focused and keep momentum.
Are you ready to learn more about how therapy can reduce overwhelm and improve your time management skills? Schedule a consult to learn more.
Using the Cognitive Behavioral Model to understand anxiety and depression
The cognitive behavioral approach to suggests that we feel the way we feel because we think the way we think. If we can figure out what the thought that is triggering the emotion we are then able to change the thought and voila experience a different emotion. This might sound like a load of horse poo, but it works. Some patterns of thoughts are trickier than others so it takes practice to feel a difference. Here’s an overly simple flow chart to explain the concept.
Event - > automatic thought -> reaction
What exactly are automatic thoughts?
Automatic thoughts are the conclusions that our brain arrives at based on the data that it has been provided. From birth, our brains are these data gathering super computers that make patterns and connections based on our experiences. As we grow and our experiences become more complicated, we are able to stretch our brains a little bit and understand that there are exceptions to the rules. Think about when a child is learning their words and the names of things. For a while all animals with four legs and a tail are cats (or dogs) and as they grow children learn that there are all different sorts of animals with four legs. The categories become more multifaceted as we grow.
Our brains are designed to make these quick assumptions and categories to simplify the world around us and thus perpetuate the human race. These automatic thoughts are what saves us from lions, and tigers, and bears. We see a tiger we say “Oh shit!” and we deploy the fight or flight based on the fear we are experiencing. We don’t stop to think if it’s an actual tiger, or if it’s a trained tiger and it doesn’t have teeth, or maybe it’s an animatronic tiger that is being used for the movie they are filming downtown. If we stopped to consider all these possibilities and it was an actual real tiger that is going to eat us, we would be dead. Our brains cannot operate on logic and emotion at the same time. The more your fight or flight is activated the less your rest and digest is activated. Have you ever felt sick to your stomach when you are nervous about something? It’s because your digestion isn’t doing what it is supposed to be doing because your fight or flight is activated. This is how the human brain works.
The thing about automatic thoughts is that they are automatic. It’s so quick to react we don’t even know that we thought something. It is an instantaneous reaction to the data that we gather, the conclusion that we have learned about this data, and the subsequent emotional/behavioral reaction.
If they are so quick, how do we know what they are?
Short answer. Look for the stinky clues they leave behind. If you walk into your house and you smell poop, that is a clue that your dog had an accident. The smell is a pretty obvious clue humans are a bit more complicated. There are clues that tell us about these thoughts. They may not be as obvious as a pile of poop on the floor, but they are still stinky. Because of the amazing neuroplasticity of our brains, with practice, we can be a modern day Sherlock Holmes and pick up on clues that have been there all along.
Therapy can help you increase your awareness of your thoughts and feel more control and less overwhelm. Schedule a free consult to see if we are a good fit.
The first step – become an observer. Get out your Blues Clues notebook and let’s take a look.
As you go about your day, notice your change in mood and feelings. For instance, if you get in the car and Journey comes on, there is a feeling of excitement and urge to just belt out the chorus DON’T STOP BELIEIVIN’ you smile, your mood lifts and you sing your heart out while stuck in beltway traffic.
Now, let’s break that down into a few steps. You notice the event – the Journey song comes on, you notice the reaction – a big smile and a feeling of happiness. You notice that the annoying traffic doesn’t make you quite as irritated as it normally would have. But did you realize the thought? It might have happened so quickly that you couldn’t capture it if you tried, but the feeling is our clue that we had a thought in there somewhere.
Maybe you were you magically transported back to your club days, where everything fun started at midnight and the world was your oyster. The thought that comes to your mind is, “I remember those days, that was fun, I probably drank too much, but hey, I lived to see another day”. It is this thought that brings the smile to your face and the commute a bit more bearable. Once the song is over you think that was fun. You are aware of the thought that made you happy and keep whistling that earworm for the next 20 miles.
Your Journey singing, jean skirt and Ugg boots memory was a good one. Maybe you even reach out to your college roommate and take a trip down memory lane. But, what if the feeling was anxious or depressed, would you even want to dive into that shit show? Not a lot of people do. It’s human instinct to avoid the discomfort. But, what happens if the path is through not around? Well, shit. I guess we have to figure out how to sit with these emotions and be curious about them without judging them for the turds they are.
Let’s put a toe into this pool of emotion
Here is some insight to help you discover what these negative thoughts might be. We will use our friends from Winnie the Pooh to guide us.
If you notice that you are feeling anxious, the thought might have something to do with “what if?”. There is some uncertainty in your future and that seems scary. We don’t have control over other people or things and just the thought of that makes my armpits sweat. Piglet is a nervous type of creature.
If you are feeling sad or depressed, the thought might be about feeling hopeless or a self-deprecating thought. There is nothing I can do about it anyway. I am not ____ enough to get this right, why even try”. This is a very Eeyore thing to say. Nothing really gets him excited. Except I think there was an episode where he sat on a hill and watched the shooting stars, that made him happy.
If you are feeling anger, the thought is about a sense of injustice or something that is unfair. Something happened that is just not right, and it pisses you off. Things aren’t how they should be, and someone is to blame for that.
🎶 Dun dun dunnnnn 🎶 - enter the cognitive distortions
You’ve figured out the emotions, you figured out the thought, now what? We can take the time to consider whether these thoughts are accurate. Sometimes they are. Sometimes, we smell poop when we talk in the house and lo and behold there is a big steaming pile on the white carpet. Yep, we were right, the dog pooped in the house. Sometimes we smell poop and it’s not because the dog pooped in the house. Sometimes it's just a lingering fart. Sometimes we stepped in poop and it’s on our shoe. Sometimes it’s the trash can that is smelling especially ripe, sometimes somebody forgot to flush. When we are in our calm frame of mind we can stop to think about all these possibilities, deduct which one is true and move on to remedy the situation. But when emotions are involved our pre-frontal cortex is knocked off line. It’s like you walked into a dark house and you smelled poop. You can’t see to find the culprit, it could be anything!
In the fifth session of CBT for ADHD we talk about cognitive distortions. I will give you a list of them for reference so you can practice identifying the distortions from the truth. When we are able to label our thoughts as distortions, we can provide a more accurate thought to replace it with.
Why do we need to bother with replacing these thoughts?
Think about it this way, if you are faced with a project deadline, you think to yourself “what if they don’t like the end result? What if I make a mistake in presenting it?” You might do what I do and decide that now is the perfect time to reorganize your office. Thinking about this project is anxiety provoking and it makes you feel powerless. You know what makes me feel powerful? Single handedly moving furniture that weighs a metric ton and sitting back with a pleased grin on my face that I did that all by myself.
What happens if you look at your project deadline and think “why did they pick me to do this? I have no idea what I am talking about. ugh, I’m never going to get this done. It’s just too much to do”. That depressed hopeless feeling sinks in and you console yourself with some trash tv and ben and jerry’s.
If you are feeling a bit spicy, you might think “why the heck am I stuck with all this work? What about Co-Worker Connie who has been on vacation for the 10th time this month, shouldn’t she have to contribute some too? This is bullshit”. You might grab a beer from the fridge or go “blow off some steam” in some other way.
My point with all these examples is that when we experience anxiety, depression, or anger, the thoughts behind them are not very helpful. We have not addressed the issue at hand and have potentially made a bigger problem for ourselves. Which will probably cause us more anxiety, depression, and anger.
You can replace these thoughts with something more productive like: “I am really worried about what my boss might think about this project” you might then be better motivated to address the problem. You might take the time to prepare, you might ask for an extension, or ask for someone to proofread or go over it with you so you feel more confident.
If you think to yourself “this is a lot of work, it might be easier if I asked for some support from another co-worker”, or “how can I address this in a way that is more manageable?”
What are the emotions that follow these thoughts? Some anxiety maybe still, but the important thing to note is that there is an action plan, and there is still movement forward.
Also note that there was no judgment here, no self-criticisms, just an acknowledgement of what is and an acceptance that it’s like this sometimes, we are humans, and it makes sense that we feel this way, everyone has at some point in their life and we move on.
Where do these cognitive distortions come from anyway? Who invited them to our party?
Cognitive distortions can be thoughts that we have developed over our lifetime as a result of our experiences. People with ADHD are especially prone to cognitive distortions given the different way they show up in the world. People with ADHD might be a bit louder, more awkward, and just a bit different than neurotypicals and that can leave a lasting mark. The average person with ADHD hears 10,000 more negative comments than a neurotypical peer. It’s really no question where these “truths” are coming from, adults in our lives that said you are really smart you just need to apply yourself; you are so lazy just get up and get moving, you just need to try harder.
Are you ready for the tricky part?
We have spent our lifetime telling ourselves these distorted beliefs and the work to undo them can take a while. This involves commitment, practice, and rehearsal of these new, more helpful thoughts. We can teach an old dog new tricks. Neuroplasticity is on our side and with guidance from a therapist and support of your peers you can practice telling yourself something different.
Okay, what’s the plan? How can therapy help with time management?
CBT for ADHD is offered in group, individual, or hybrid formats, both online and in person. For the group and hybrid formats you are part of a community that offers some brilliant ideas for what has worked for them in a space that is encouraging and free of judgement. Sometimes just knowing that we are not alone helps motivate us to keep moving and get the shit done that we want to get done.
The individual format for CBT for ADHD offers customized and one on one interventions for you to get the support that you need with flexible scheduling. This may be helpful if the guilt and shame are strong or if your schedule is not consistent each week due to work or family obligations.
Read my earlier blog to get more information about CBT for ADHD or schedule a consult.