Boundaries: When They Won’t Take No for an Answer
Main points, No Filter: 5 Truths About Boundaries
✅ If you don’t set boundaries, someone else will set them for you. And spoiler — they won’t be in your best interest.
✅ “No” isn’t rude. It’s responsible. Protecting your time and energy doesn’t make you selfish — it makes you sane.
✅ The people who push your boundaries are often the ones who benefit from you not having any. Their discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
✅ Guilt is not a compass. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you owe more of yourself. It just means you care — but caring has limits.
✅Boundaries aren’t walls — they’re doors with locks. You decide who gets a key, and when.
Take a deep dive below and read more about the importance of boundaries, especially during the holiday season.
No means no. But what happens when friends, family, or coworkers may not understand (or want to accept) this? Sometimes it can be uncomfortable to say “no” out loud. We often feel the need to justify the no, or change our wording to make our response seem less harsh. Sometimes we have been trying to do it all or keep everyone happy for years. But when we fail to say no and set healthy boundaries, we can feel stressed, overwhelmed, and frustrated. When it comes to the holiday season, these boundary lines tend to blur even further.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are guidelines that define what feels respectful and comfortable to you, allowing you to stay in tune with your values and needs. Boundaries can be emotional, mental, physical, or financial. Some boundaries are easier to set than others. Healthy boundaries can help to support healthy and balanced relationships and connections.
I love this video about boundaries from Brene Brown
Examples of Types of Boundaries
❌ Physical boundaries:
Telling someone you prefer not to hug
⏰ Time boundaries:
Letting someone know that you need to leave at a specific time
🗣️ Communication boundaries:
Telling someone you would like to wait to have a conversation until everyone has had time to process or calm down
🫶Emotional boundaries:
Telling someone that you are there to support them, but letting them know certain topics are not something you can discuss every day
Signs you are Struggling with Setting Boundaries
✅ You resent certain relationships
✅ You avoid conflict or uncomfortable conversations
✅ You feel guilty if you say no
✅ You say yes and have instant regret and wish you “could have” said no
If you avoid spending time with certain people or avoid certain interactions, it may be a sign that you are struggling with setting healthy boundaries in these relationships or situations.
Common Boundary Challenges During the Holidays
💰Financial concerns:
Sometimes during the holidays, we feel the pressure to “keep up with the Joneses”. However, this isn’t realistic. Budgets are important, especially during the holidays!
📆 Overcommitting yourself:
Work parties, family parties, school plays, volunteering. There simply isn’t enough time to do it all.
🧑🧑🧒🧒 Expectations from family:
Attending events, hosting events, cooking, contributing money.
🫶 Emotional Triggers:
The holidays can bring back many memories, not all of which are positive.
The holiday season comes with endless parties, dinners, volunteer events, and emotions. Family dynamics, bills, and pressure to make everyone happy can take its toll on your physical and mental health.
What happens when you don’t set boundaries? You may feel…
Taken advantage of:
You may be questioning why it always has to be you or feel as though nobody respects your time.
Irritable:
Lack of sleep, overbooked days, or conversations about topics you may not want to have can all leave you feeling frustrated.
Guilty:
You may feel guilty that you are spending time and energy in one place and not another.
Drained, depleted, and like you are running on empty:
Saying yes to everyone and everything often means you are saying no to yourself. You are saying no to rest, no to self-care, or no to time alone to replenish your energy.
The holiday season should be a time of joy, but that means it should be joyful for you as well. When you are struggling to set boundaries at this time of the year, the joy of the season can be lost. If you are the meditation type, Insight Timer has a great talk on boundaries that can help you rehearse and remember why boundaries are so important.
How to Set and Maintain Boundaries
Define your limits on events and commitments.
Think about what events are most important to you (and will bring you the most joy), and make a plan to only attend or participate in those.
Direct communication.
Instead of saying maybe or that you will try to help out, let others know what your boundaries are. It is okay to say no right away if you know that something is not going to work for you.
Make time for rest.
Prioritizing sleep and self-care can help you to have an enjoyable (and even restful) holiday season.
Prepare yourself for the reactions of others.
Other people may not be prepared or thrilled to hear the word no, or may be confused that things have changed.
Respect your emotional limits.
You are allowed to decide what topics and situations are off limits.
Remember that it is okay to change the subject and excuse yourself from uncomfortable conversations. You also do not need to share personal information if you don’t want to. Your private life is private for a reason.
Setting aside time before the busy holiday season to think about what is most important to you can help set you up for success.
Remember why boundaries are important, ask yourself these questions…
What is your favorite thing about the holidays?
What traditions do you love?
Prioritize what matters most to you. For more on setting healthy boundaries, check out our blog here.
How therapy can help with setting boundaries?
Therapy can teach you skills to help you set healthy boundaries, as well as support you during stressful times. Here are some ideas to help you turn down invites.
Need some support and assistance in setting boundaries or identifying what might work for self-care? Schedule a consult today!