A Blue Christmas: Why Depression & Grief Symptoms Can Increase During the Holidays
Have you ever heard the song “Blue Christmas” by Elvis? He sings about how blue his Christmas will be without someone, and how sad he will be just thinking about them. It may seem like a typical holiday tune, but unfortunately for many people, sadness, grief, and loneliness at Christmas and throughout the holiday season can ring all too true.
Main points, no filter
o Depression and grief symptoms can be exacerbated during the holidays
o Both physical and emotional pain can increase during these times
o Help is available, and coping skills do exist
o Small steps can make a big difference
o Giving yourself grace does more than you think
Symptoms of depression
o Lack of interest (In pleasant activities, people, things that brought you joy)
o Withdrawal (from friends, family, activities)
o Changes in appetite (eating more than usual or not feeling up to eating at all)
o Changes in sleep (sleeping more or less often than usual)
o Unhelpful thoughts (feeling like a failure)
o Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless
Depression is more than feeling sad
We’ve all had a “bad day” at some point in our lives, maybe even for several days back-to-back. But depression is different. Depression isn’t just waking up on the wrong side of the bed or feeling a little sad. Depression can make it difficult to get out of bed altogether, difficult to take care of ourselves (even a shower or getting dressed can seem impossible with depression), and difficult to find joy or pleasure in life.
Why depression symptoms increase during the holidays (Hence a blue Christmas)
o Loss. Loss is heavier during the holidays, with even positive memories reminding us that our loved one is not here with us this season.
o Loneliness. Not everyone has somebody to spend the holidays with, and family and friends do not always live locally to stop by and visit.
o Pressure to be “Merry”. Being pressured to attend the ugly Christmas sweater party, meet coworkers for drinks, attend the Christmas tree lighting, and decorate our houses can be exhausting.
o Disrupted routines. It can be harder to get sleep, hit the gym, and engage in self-care at this time of the year.
o Financial strain. Keeping up with the Joneses costs money. Buying gifts and contributing to holiday get-togethers can add up fast.
o Seasonal Affective Disorder is already underway. Days are shorter and darker and depression symptoms are already more difficult to manage without the stress of the holidays.
The Comparison Trap
You might start asking yourself, “why can’t I feel happy like everyone else at Christmas” or “why can’t I make everything perfect for my family”? Well, you may be experiencing different emotions, circumstances, or triggers than everyone else. Or perhaps you are only seeing the version of people they want us to see, such as that perfect Christmas tree on social media.
The hustle and bustle can throw you off
Maintaining healthy habits that help us to cope with depression symptoms is difficult at this time of the year and we may feel guilty when we are unable to engage in our typical self-care routines. All of these things can make battling depression symptoms that much more difficult around Christmas.
How to cope with the Blues
o Make time for self-care. Your Aunt’s holiday party is on the calendar, put self care on the calendar as well.
o Challenge unhelpful thoughts (give yourself the same advice you’d give a friend)
o Engage in pleasant activities
o Relaxation strategies (mindfulness, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation can calm the body and the mind)
o Journaling
o Start with something small (maybe you enjoy peppermint tea that only comes out this time of year, be intentional with doing something that is just for you)
o Be realistic (you don’t need to hit the gym, meal prep, journal, and meet a friend for coffee all in the same day)
Maybe I am showing my age here, but have you ever seen the movie “Adventures in Babysitting”? There is a scene at a Blues club where the babysitter and her charges are told “Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues”. Though they fight this at first, they end up singing the blues (in this case about the awful adventures of the evening), and feel better after the fact. While singing the blues might not seem like your idea of coping, getting out our thoughts and feelings (whether in a journal, blog, or therapy session), can be a healthy way of working through and processing our emotions.
Ever been told to just think positively?
Have you ever had someone tell you to just “think positively” when you are experiencing depression? Super helpful, right? Yeah, not so much. While people tend to have good intentions when they tell you to think positively, they also do not realize that it isn’t quite so simple when you have depression. Coping and managing depression takes more than just thinking happy thoughts, and utilizing coping skills can be even more difficult during the holidays. Try this meditation Reset: Decompress Your Body and Mind to relax and reset.
Start with something small. You may feel like you need to get back to your “normal” routine to feel back to yourself, but taking a small step in the right direction can be a breath of fresh air. Take a shower, make the bed, wash a dish, go for a short walk, stand outside in the sun for a few minutes, text a friend or family member. But don’t expect yourself to do all of these things right away. Pick one that sounds reasonable to start with. Small steps can lead to big changes! Check out our blog on seasonal depression for more information
Depression can be even worse when you are navigating grief and loss during the holidays
Grief occurs when we are responding to a loss in our life and consists of intense emotions and physical symptoms. Loss can come in many forms. Loss isn’t just about death. We may have lost a loved one, a friend or family member, or we may be mourning in another way. Our furbabies count here too, because to me they are definitely family. You may have lost a job, an intimate relationship or friendship, or you may be dealing with an illness that results in a different type of loss, such as not being able to do the things you used to do. You may have retired or moved and may be grieving old friends or daily purpose and productivity. These are all forms of loss, and can hit just as hard during the holiday season.
Symptoms of grief
o Emotional (and physical) pain
o Difficulty with memory and concentration
o Feelings of numbness, sorrow, anger, guilt, or sadness
o Tearfulness and crying
o Difficulty sleeping
o Lack of appetite
Winter solstice and the Longest Night
o Winter solstice is the longest night of the year with the fewest daylight hours
o Winter solstice is also a time of reflection. Church and spiritual services, as well as community events, are often available to honor the memory of those people we have lost.
When we think about winter solstice, you might imagine a cold, dark night, just before Christmas. Maybe you are picturing small town celebrations, winter carnivals, and joyful gatherings for the holidays. Believe it or not, winter solstice is actually the longest night of the year, because it has the fewest hours of daylight. For those experiencing depression or managing grief and loss, the winter solstice truly does feel like the longest, darkest, and perhaps most sorrowful and lonely night.
Why do I feel blue again, I already grieved this loss…
You have probably heard about the five stages of grief. When we lose someone, people often experience these different stages to some extent. But the thing is, we don’t move smoothly through these stages, some of us skip stages, and sometimes we go back and forth between the different stages.
Stages of grief
o Denial (this isn’t happening, it’s not real)
o Anger (this isn’t fair!)
o Bargaining (I would do anything to have them back, if only for a day)
o Depression (sadness, loneliness, feeling lost)
o Acceptance (I don’t agree with it, but I accept that this person is gone)
Grief isn’t something that we can put in a computer algorithm and say “okay, I hit each stage, I am done grieving now”. The reality is that progressing through these stages is different for everyone, and there is no simple timeframe. When it comes to the holiday season, we may re-experience symptoms (or sometimes stages) as we face reminders of our loved ones and losses.
Complicated grief (as if loss isn’t complicated enough to begin with)
Complicated grief can occur when the mourning period continues on for an extended period of time and causes intense distress. This isn’t just becoming tearful at a reminder of a person or loss but rather an ongoing struggle to manage your day-to-day life and difficulty making plans for the future.
Managing grief and loss during the holidays
o Acknowledge the sadness and the bittersweet moments (making those family recipes isn’t the same when the person who wrote the recipes is gone)
o Know that the stages of grief are not linear
o Reflect on the good times and allow yourself some grace
o Honor your loved one in some way that is meaningful to you (it may be difficult to make grandmom’s recipe without her, but it can also become a way to honor her)
o Seek support (call a friend, join a local support or therapy group, or speak with a spiritual leader)
o Hold off on making big decisions (allow yourself time to adjust to the change)
o Express your grief (journaling or writing a letter can help you process your emotions)
o Finding new meaning (finding new purposes, passions, supports)
o Be patient (grief takes time, allow yourself to have that)
Holidays are a time of traditions, gathering of family and friends, and memories. However, when someone (or multiple people) are missing from these gatherings, the thought of attending can feel like too much. Memories can become bittersweet, reminding you of the good times, but also pointing out that this holiday is going to be different. Allow yourself grace during these times, and start with small steps to cope. We are often far kinder to others than we are to ourselves, so try treating yourself the way you would treat someone you love. Reach out to someone, many people find that talking about their loss is beneficial in coping.
So, now what?
Depression and loss can look different for everyone, and we all manage our symptoms in our own way. Check out our blog on Blue Monday, the saddest day of the year for more information. Want to learn more about supporting your mental health during the holidays? Click here for an article from SAMSHA Interested in reading more about coping with grief? Check out this article from the National Institute on Aging about Coping With Grief and Loss. If you are struggling to cope during the holidays or are interested in support, then therapy might be right for you. Schedule a consult today!