The Pursuit of Happiness? You’re going about it all wrong
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July vibes sing of freedom and independence. While politics is more divisive than ever, we do fall back on the “unalienable rights” of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” written in the Declaration of Independence.
When talking about the “pursuit of happiness”, how do we seek it without becoming obsessed?
What the Experts Say: An Austrian, a Brit, and an American walk into a bar.
The quest for happiness in America is a tale as old as time. Or at least as old as the founding fathers. In my research on the topic, I incorporated some sources outside of the US to get a well-rounded look at this “happiness” we seek.
The Austrian
Viktor Frankl is famous for his book Man’s Search for Meaning. He was an Austrian neurologist and psychologist who was imprisoned for three years in four concentration camps during World War II. You can read more about his story here.
“Frankl often commented on the American obsession with the pursuit of happiness as stated in the Declaration of Independence. He saw it as a self-defeating goal. He believed that even the role of psychotherapy was not to make people happy but to enable them to deal with real life and its unavoidable hassles. According to Frankl, freedom needs responsibility; otherwise, life threatens to degenerate into mere arbitrariness.”
In Embracing Hope, a collection of essays and interviews of Frankl, he suggests that happiness is not to be pursued but is ensued by finding meaning in your life. He adds that you can find meaning in work, love, and even suffering.
The Brit
Ruth Whippman is an author from London living in the United States. She has written several essays, articles, and two books. In her writings, she notes that Americans seem to be preoccupied with happiness, especially in comparison to her native Londoners who are more on the cynical and bitter side.
In America, the Anxious, Whippman chronicles her experience with Americans and their attempts to find this elusive happiness. She looks to gurus, religion, and achievement culture to see just what lengths we will go to feel happy.
🚨 Spoiler Alert: Whippman discovers that what really makes us happy is a connection with other people. Experts like Brene Brown agree. We are hard-wired for connection and without it, we feel sad, uninspired, and left searching for meaning.
The American
Gretchen Rubin is an American author living in New York. She has written several books on the topic of happiness, including, The Happiness Project. In this book, Rubin makes a yearlong plan to find happiness. She divides the year into themes to focus on each month. Along the way, she finds useful tips to try and integrate research and statistics into her methods.
Rubin has created a following of people embarking on their own happiness projects. While folks may feel that focusing on your own happiness is selfish, Rubin suggests that happier people are more productive and friendly, we become “better citizens and colleagues” and better tolerate adversity. Embarking on our own happiness journey is better for everyone around us.
Her exploration leads her to the conclusion that “There is no right way to create a happier life, just as there is no best way to cook an egg”. The point is to get to know yourself and make decisions with awareness instead of making decisions as a reaction to your environment.
The happiness experts don’t agree… or do they?
So, what does this motley crew have in common? Frankl and Whippman suggest that happiness is a result of a meaningful life. It is feeling content and satisfied with the life you are living. While Rubin may seem to be selling happiness as "snake oil" like others in Whippman's book, it is more like she is chronicling her search for meaning. She is being more intentional in her work, relationships, and in her suffering. She finds that when she changes her perspective, steps out of her comfort zone, and focuses on relationships and connections, the result, much like Frankl and Whippman suggest, is feeling more content and satisfied with her life.
How do you find happiness without becoming obsessed?
This pursuit of happiness can lead us to feel pressure to achieve, perform, and never slow down. We tell ourselves, if I can just make six figures a year, pay off my debts, get my kids into good schools, and get good grades, then we will be happy. We can get caught up in the achievement culture, which will lead to burnout and exhaustion – certainly not happiness.
Frankl speaks of this burnout culture in his essays in the 1950s and 60s. We have been at this a while folks, and it doesn't work.
Change your mindset
Happiness is the result, not the goal. The distinction may sound arbitrary but think of it this way. If your goal is to lose ten pounds, you engage in all sorts of activities to reach that goal. Sometimes, that results in gaining rebound weight, because once we hit that external goal we stop practicing those good habits. But, if our goal is to live a healthy lifestyle or move for 30 minutes every day, the result will probably be losing ten pounds and you will probably keep the weight off, which is what you were intending anyway.
Get out of the comparison trap.
We tend to compare our insides to other people’s outsides. We see people who look successful, happy in their relationships, and otherwise living their best lives. What we see on the outside, isn’t always what is going on internally. People tend to put on a front, curate their social media, and only show others what they want them to see (don’t you?). When you find yourself becoming a bit envious of others, remember they probably took 57 selfies before they found just the right one to post on social media. Things are not always as they seem.
If you want to be different, accept who you are
This sounds like it came from a fortune cookie, maybe it did. Let’s take a look at what this means. Humans tend to behave in ways that don’t make sense. There can be a dissonance between what we want to do and what we do every day. We want to be more active, yet we doom scroll on social media. We want to get a better night's sleep, but we go to bed with the TV on. We "know" what to do, but we just don't do it. This is not a character flaw that needs to be fixed or a moral failing. We are a result of our environment and an evolutionary operating system that is due for an update.
How accepting ourselves creates change.
I would like to consistently write content for my website and social media. However, I have a sit-still problem and a task initiation problem. Writing a blog requires that I sit down for more than five minutes and get a bit out of my comfort zone. I become easily overwhelmed with organizing my thoughts in a way that makes sense. My go-to response is to do anything but write.
I know this about myself, and I accept that this is one of my "areas for growth". I don't berate myself and say, "Just sit your ass in the chair and write, stop being lazy”. I accept that I need a level of external accountability, and I scheduled a focusmate session for 7:00 am when my brain is at its best. Today my focus mate is reviewing for her final. (Thanks for working with me Aura!)
I accept that I am not the best at task initiation and sustained attention, so I created a workaround. The right way to do things is the way they get done. By accepting my struggle with task initiation and finding a way around it, I can achieve my goal of consistently writing content for my website.
Change the goal from the pursuit of happiness to the pursuit of meaning
Instead of looking for the finish line, the pot of gold, or the golden ticket that will finally mean you are happy, try instead to stay in the moment. Ask yourself what kind of person you want to be. What can I do that makes me feel like I matter and let others know that they matter too?
When you are in the middle of the Willy Wonka Shit Tunnel, or Frankl's concentration camp, or navigating grief, it is hard to remember to look for meaning. Honestly, if you told me to look for the silver lining while I was in a puddle of tears, I might snap out of it just enough to tell you to go shit in your hat.
Frankl describes moments in the concentration camps that helped him through. He remembered noticing the guards who would sneak in medication or extra food. He remembers assigning meaning to his grief. He survived to hold the grief for his family. He is holding the grief so his family doesn't have to, he gets to carry that burden for them.
Finding meaning in your life, especially in your challenges is something unique to every person, and something that takes time. It will feel right when you are ready.
If you need support and compassion in your search for meaning, I am here to guide you through. Set up a consultation and let's chat.