Are you a FAFO parent? How parents got to the F- around and find out mentality and what to do instead
Main points, no filter:
✅ Stop chasing the “perfect” parenting style – Parenting trends (FAFO, gentle parenting, helicopter, etc.) are just noise if they don’t align with your real values.
✅ Parenting is messy and uncertain—accept it – There’s no manual, your brain hates the unknown, and sometimes you’ll default to what your parents did without even thinking.
✅ Too much advice makes it worse – Instant, conflicting parenting tips can overwhelm you, leaving you doubting yourself even more.
✅ Both extremes have consequences – Following a style to the letter breeds guilt; parenting on autopilot risks passing down generational baggage.
✅ Values over labels – Clarity about what matters to you—and modeling it—is the real anchor in parenting. This is “wholehearted parenting”: show up, repair when you mess up, and lead by example.
What to dive in? Read more below. Tired of parenting trends and ready to parent with integrity? Schedule a consult
The less-structured days of summer are ending. Soon, the school routine will return—drop-offs, practices, homework, and all the in-between.
As parents, we find ourselves asking:
How do I want to support my kids as they navigate friendships, academics, and all the other adventures they’re getting into?
What do I want to teach them about routines, responsibility, being a good friend, a good teammate, and a contributing member of our household?
Or maybe those thoughts haven’t even crossed your mind, because you are in survival mode from the summer chaos called “vacation”.
Parenting in the Age of Exhaustion
If you’ve ever scrolled parenting advice at 2 a.m., bounced between “gentle parenting” reels and “tough love” TikToks, and thought, Am I completely screwing this up?—you’re not alone.
We’re tired. Burned out. Overloaded with rules, styles, and strategies that promise to raise perfect kids if we just follow them to the letter. And when we can’t, the guilt sets in.
Here’s the truth: you don’t need the perfect parenting style. You need clarity about your values—and the courage to model them. Everything else? That’s just noise.
What is FAFO parenting?
A Wall Street Journal article crossed my path recently that caught my attention. The catchy titled alluded to a “new” f-ck around and find out parenting style. I was intrigued, what is this?
One internet deep dive later, my conclusion is that FAFO parenting is about allowing your child to experience the natural consequences of their choices. Instead of arguing with your child about putting on a jacket, let them get soaked in the rain, they will remember next time. In theory. This mentality has evidently gone viral on the socials. But why?
Why we cling to parenting styles
When we’re uncertain, we’re vulnerable. We admit we don’t know something and try our best to make the “right” choice. Naturally, we look to:
Experts
Friends and mentors
Online communities
We hear about parenting styles—gentle parenting, helicopter parenting, snowplow parenting, FAFO parenting—and think: If I pick one and stick to it, I’ll be a confident, well-balanced parent.
But let’s rewind.
Why not just talk about parenting—not the labels, not the trends, but what it’s actually like to raise a human?
Babies did not enter this world with an owner’s manual
Like lots of worthy causes, parenting did not come with step-by-step instructions. No matter how we prepare for becoming a parent, we don’t know what it will be like until we are in it.
When we are faced with uncertainty there is this itch to resolve it. Our brain likes things to be predictable and routine. There is discomfort and vulnerability in the unknown. Humans struggle to tolerate that. If something happens that doesn’t make sense, we have this need to close the loop in one way or another.
Is that chocolate or poop?
Parenting is full of unknowns. As humans, we have this tendency to resolve and soothe this discomfort. We try to get control in the best way we know how. Sometimes we act with intention and sometimes it’s almost a reflex.
Example: ever hear yourself say something to your kid and think, Wow, I just became my mom/dad? That’s your brain reaching for the familiar.
The problem with too much advice
A generation or so ago, new parents did not have access to the information we do now. If we experience a whiff of “I don’t know” we have access to parenting advice instantly with a quick search. That advice will even bombard us when we aren’t looking for it.
In the desperate hours of the early morning when we just want our little bundle of joy to sleep, we will try anything. When our stubborn and independent tyke refuses to eat anything but thirty packets of ketchup for dinner, we can’t help but wonder, “how do other parents do this?”
Combine uncertainty with instant access to conflicting advice and you get overwhelm.
The FAFO consequence
There are two extremes:
Follow a style to the letter
Berate yourself when you fall short
Constantly feel like you’re doing it “wrong”
Worry your child will be doomed to a lifetime of therapy
Operate on autopilot
Do what your parents did because “I turned out fine”
Or swing the other way and vow to be nothing like your parents
I’ve been in both camps. I’ve turned to the experts hoping for a quick fix. I’ve also fallen back on what I experienced growing up. Both can “work” in the short term—but the question is: does it line up with the kind of parent I want to be and the kind of human I want to raise?
Both extremes avoid sitting in the gray area—the messy, uncertain middle where the real parenting work happens.
The Gray Area: Parenting with Intention
Instead of chasing the “right” style, ask yourself:
What kind of person do I want to be?
What kind of person do I want my child to be?
Am I modeling those values?
Examples:
Want your kid to share feelings? Share yours.
Want them to have a healthy relationship with food? Avoid labeling foods as “good” or “bad.”
Want them to be confident? Don’t make your first comment of the day be about their appearance.
This is where it gets uncomfortable—because it means holding ourselves accountable.
Uncomfortable yet?
If you sense a bit defensiveness or self-righteousness that means we are headed in the right direction. When you are less than confident about something and you feel that you are being judged, criticisms can hit hard. That discomfort you’re feeling, that’s growth. Let’s lean in.
Wholehearted Parenting
Brené Brown calls it “wholehearted parenting.” It’s not a style—it’s a promise:
Show up as a good human when you can.
Have the courage to repair when you can’t.
When we have clarity about our real values (not just cultural expectations), we can face parenting uncertainty with integrity.
The Only FAFO That Matters
Letting your kids “f-ck around and find out” might teach them a few life lessons—but the real consequences come when we parent without intention. Trends will come and go. Experts will disagree. The internet will keep shouting.
But your values? They’re yours. They don’t expire. They’re the anchor in all the uncertainty.
So, as the school year begins, let your kids learn from their choices, sure—but let them also learn from yours. Show them what it looks like to live with integrity, take responsibility, and repair when you mess up. That’s not a style. That’s just good parenting.
📅 Need a judgment-free place to vent, reflect, and figure out your next steps?
Parenting is tough. Parenting with integrity is tougher. Sometimes we need a space to vent and talk through the struggle free of judgment about what you “should” do. Schedule a consult and see if we are a good fit.