If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry: Using humor in Therapy to Make it More Approachable
I come from a household of laughter and storytelling. Around our dinner table, people told stories with tears in their eyes from laughing so hard. Half our conversations were movie quotes, and my mom used to joke that if we remembered schoolwork the way we remembered movie lines, we’d all be geniuses.
Growing up around military and first responder culture, I also learned that humor serves another purpose: it helps people survive hard things.
In therapy, I’ve seen how sarcasm, dark humor, storytelling, and laughter can reduce isolation, create shared understanding, and make difficult conversations feel more approachable.
If you’ve ever wondered why people joke about painful experiences—or why first responders often laugh at things other people find shocking—keep reading
Main points, no filter:
✅ Humor isn’t the problem. Sometimes it’s the survival strategy.
✅ Laughter can calm the nervous system, build connection, and reduce isolation.
✅ Dark humor in first responder and military culture often serves a purpose—but it can also become avoidance.
✅ Therapy doesn’t have to feel clinical, robotic, or full of “therapy speak” to be effective.
✅ The goal isn’t to joke your way out of pain. It’s to build enough trust and flexibility to work through it.
Why Humor Is a Coping Mechanism
I recently learned the term “gallows humor”. Merriam-Webster defines the term as “humor that makes fun of a life-threatening, disastrous, or terrifying situation”. When I think of this type of humor, I think of the roasts on comedy central or the weekend updates on Saturday Night Live. The topics are serious, but there’s a joke in there that makes you cringe and chuckle at the same time.
This type of humor isn’t a new approach. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and physician, writes about the use of humor to help navigate the horrors he experienced. If you ask anyone familiar with first responder, emergency medicine, or military culture, they will know exactly what I’m talking about.
It’s important to note: we need to be careful of two things when using this kind of humor.
1. Know your audience and the context. Sometimes it really is too soon to joke about something. 2. Know your intentions. Are you:
A: joking about something to avoid talking about it?
3: using humor so that you can talk about it?
D: a comedian invited to roast Kevin Hart on a Netflix special?
The goal isn’t to stop joking or refrain from using humor as a coping mechanism, but to know when it’s helpful and when it’s keeping you stuck.
The Science of Laughter and Stress Relief
What happens in the body when we laugh?
If we want to know when humor is helpful or harmful, first we need to understand the science behind it. When we laugh, we create physical changes in our bodies. We take in more oxygen, stimulate our heart and lungs, and increase endorphins.
Laughter relieves your stress response. It brings you out of fight or flight and leaves you feeling more relaxed and soothes tension.
Think about the last time you were in an argument with someone, if one of you did something unexpected, like fart, did you start laughing? Did you still feel angry?
Why does humor help reduce the effects of stress?
Long term, laughter helps your immune system by decreasing stress. According to the Mayo Clinic, positive thoughts release neuropeptides that help manage stress and the secondary illnesses that are caused by stress like heart disease.
The endorphins released while laughing lowers the perception of pain. Laughing improves your mood, self-esteem, and increases feelings of happiness.
There are studies that show that humor and laughter improve patient outcomes in those with chronic illness. The interventions used by Patch Adams demonstrate the efficacy of the humor in hospital settings.
Humans are hardwired for connection, and laughter can be the catalyst. Think back to a time when you watched a funny show or movie. Did you find yourself laughing more if you watched it alone or with others? Laugh tracks on television shows use that same mechanism to boost their ratings.
Dark Humor in First Responder Culture
In first responder and military culture, humor often shows up immediately after difficult calls, traumatic events, or chaos. To outsiders, the jokes can sound inappropriate. Inside the culture, they often serve a purpose.
Humor tells the nervous system: “The danger is over.”
It also tells other people: “You’re not alone in this.”
Humor, Chronic Stress, and Trauma Recovery
Laughter and humor are good indicators of cognitive flexibility. A determining factor in healing from traumatic events is what we tell ourselves about that event. If we have rigid thinking and cannot take a different perspective about what happened, we often get stuck. The Veterans Administration protocol for PTSD, Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD, calls these thoughts “stuck points”. The protocol uses cognitive flexibility to change these thoughts and help reduce the symptoms of PTSD.
Humor in interpersonal relationships on and off the job
Humor can be used to cut the tension during conflict. It is a buffer against stress. In arguments we tend to put on a suit of armor to protect ourselves. Humor can help us lower our defenses and be open to hearing the other person. This only works if you use humor properly and respectfully.
Laughter and humor help keep us focused on the present. It eases tension in social situations or keeps you engaged in discussion. Think about meetings or presentations that you have attended when the speaker is entertaining. When you are engaged, you are more likely to pay attention and retain the information instead of falling asleep or multitasking.
Humor is a tool that we can use to:
express our feelings more effectively
bond over inside jokes and shared experiences
increase trust and rapport
Using humor in therapy sessions
The mechanisms and positive impact of humor don’t just apply in “regular” relationships. The benefits of laughter and humor can be used in therapy sessions as well.
Researchers have determined that there are four areas that influence therapeutic outcomes.
Extratherapeutic change – personal factors outside of the therapy session (40%)
Common factors – rapport, trust, and compatibility in the therapeutic relationship (30%)
Techniques – the specific types of interventions that therapists use (15%)
Expectancy – the placebo effect or belief that therapy will help (15%)
One of the many studies looking at the variables that influence therapeutic outcomes states that “clients often attribute their positive therapy outcome to the personal attributes of their therapist”.
What this means is that “it is imperative that clinicians remember that decades of research consistently demonstrate that relationship factors correlate more highly with client outcome than do specialized treatment techniques”.
This becomes evident when you look at the reviews clients leave for the therapists. You will typically see higher ratings for therapists that make clients feel understood and not judged. When clients feel comfortable in a session, they are more willing to do the work.
How Humor Builds Trust in Therapy
As a therapist, I recognize that I have a unique collection of jargon and concepts that can sound like a foreign language to someone who hasn’t spent decades swimming in mental health continuing education and textbooks.
I also understand that “therapy speak” on social media has made the terminology once confined to therapy sessions a part of common vernacular. One example is the term “gaslighting” which was Merriam-Webster’s word of the year in 2022. This increase in therapy terms outside of the office has led to confusion and misuse of the terms. Thanks to Dr. Isabelle Morley for her book discussing commonly misused terms. This increased use also can create a divide between those who can name the attachment styles and weaponize it during conflict and those who have no idea what that term means.
Using humor helps me keep things real in the session and remove the therapy “woo woo” that can keep folks from showing up. If I know a concept feels far-fetched, I will often preface with, “I know this sounds like woo woo therapy bullshit but hear me out”. I typically get a chuckle and an open mind.
I also use humor to keep folks engaged in treatment. If therapy sessions are somewhat enjoyable, you are more likely to show up. That is not to say we spend the session jawjacking about nothing. I will, however, use phrases like “sweaty armpits” instead of “increase in physiological response” to describe discomfort, which helps folks feel understood and not like a research participant.
Humor to interrupt a thought spiral (respectfully)
Sometimes we can get caught up in the details. We review all of the evidence that validates our choices or position. We list reasons why we ended a relationship, why our boss is a terrible leader, or why our way makes sense.
When we feel understood and provide evidence to support that, we feel connected. A lot of times, interrupting that thought spiral with a “your ex does a really great job of being an asshole” can be just as effective and keep you moving.
Your perfectionism needs a nickname
If we are ruminating about a mistake we made. We have this voice in our head that replays the agony over and over. I call that voice, “Little Miss/Mr. Perfect”. It pulls from a clinical approach that will help you have some self-compassion. Playfully addressing the perfectionist can be very comforting and it feels more approachable than suggesting that we do “parts work” (an awesome technique BTW).
The Harry Potter Example
If you are a Harry Potter fan this will make sense. If not, you’re dead to me. Just kidding. If you are not familiar with the story watch this short clip about the boggart and then come back. https://youtu.be/3PWKFyhJ2h4?si=-bgQAVZtx3eIImdh
The approach used to defeat the boggart is laughter. Envisioning something unpleasant with a funny twist will take away some of its power.
I often use the metaphor of a baby feeling grumpy when they have gas or are trying to poop. The little babies are so uncomfortable and are making all sorts of noise and throwing a fit. Once they let out a good ripper, they feel better. Now, imagine your boss who is throwing a fit as a baby that just needs to make poopy. It kind of keeps you grounded right?
A lot of times our struggles are about things that are beyond our control. Government shutdowns, gas prices, irritating in-laws. We often think “If [enter noun here] would just get their shit together, we wouldn’t have to deal with this”.
The problem with this mentality, while accurate, leaves you feeling powerless. If you want to feel better, you have to wait for politicians to agree, the country to be less dependent on fossil fuels, and for your family members to finally admit that they are wrong and you are right. How long do you think that will take?
Cognitive Reframing Through Humor
Think of cognitive reframing as looking out of a different window frame of your house. Every window has a different vantage point. Outside is the same, but you see something different when you look out a different window frame. Humor helps with cognitive flexibility. The cognitive reframe of “it’s just a flesh wound” can feel empowering; this is how “the black knight always triumphs!” Monty Python fans IYKYK. https://youtu.be/UijhbHvxWrA?si=Hi6vxgQrp_pOERnX.
Changing your perception to something that is helpful (but still accurate), will help you heal. You feel the way you feel because you think the way you think. This is the basis for the ABCs of CBT.
I agree that other people doing their jobs correctly would, in fact, help you do your job better, the problem is, we can’t control others. Looking through a different lens can help us see what we can control.
First connection, then work: the healing power of humor
The Therapy, No Filter approach starts with a free initial consultation. When you schedule, there is an optional form to list your favorite movie quote, song, or characters. The feedback I’ve received is that this makes therapy more approachable from the start.
I share in the initial consultation that I use humor, sarcasm, and colorful language to establish rapport. It builds trust, connection, and a shared language. But it’s not the whole process.
Navigating trauma, strain at home, and the impact of the work takes more than a punchline—it takes awareness, honesty, and a willingness to do the harder conversations. There is no growth without discomfort, and it all starts with trust.
Pop culture as a therapy tool
Pop culture references can help communicate a point more effectively. I often lean on quotes from movies to communicate an idea in a way that is relatable. When we don’t feel so alone in our struggles the negative emotion can fall away and restore hope.
When humor helps and when it doesn’t
There is a time and place to inject humor into situations. There are moments when it’s effective and times when it’s not.
Effective uses of humor:
Deescalate and come out of fight or flight. If you are laughing, your brain knows that the danger is gone.
Creating a bond or connection with peers that have shared similar experiences
Using it to ease tension, respectfully, in conflict with others
Not effective
When you use humor to avoid a subject. If you distract people with a joke, then you’re off the hook and can get out of an uncomfortable conversation
When the other person isn’t laughing
If humor is the only tool in your toolbox, everything starts looking like a punchline—even the stuff that needs attention.”
Therapy for First Responders and Military Families
Humor can help people survive difficult moments. But healing usually requires more than a punchline.
The goal isn’t to stop being funny. The goal is to develop more ways to process stress, navigate conflict, and stay connected to the people around you.
At Therapy, No Filter, we use humor, honesty, and real conversation to make therapy approachable—without avoiding the hard stuff. If you’re ready to stop white-knuckling your way through stress, trauma, burnout, or relationship strain, schedule a consult to learn more.
Want to learn more about humor, mental health, and first responder culture? Join the upcoming Readiness Series hosted by the Anne Arundel County Emeralds Society. You can learn more about the event here. First responders and their families can register here.