Couple Therapy: How to Communicate, Handle Conflict, and Feel More Connected
Main Points, No Filter:
✅ Conflict isn’t the problem. How you handle it is. Conflict is inevitable when two people are trying to build a life together. The goal isn’t to never disagree—it’s learning how to stay connected when you do.
✅ You can’t communicate when your brain thinks you’re fighting a lion. When you’re dysregulated, logic, listening, and thoughtful communication get a whole lot harder. Regulate first. Then have the conversation.
✅ It’s you and your partner versus the problem—not versus each other. Both partners need space to be heard, and both get to participate in finding a solution. The goal isn’t figuring out who is right.
✅ The fight usually isn’t just about the thing you’re fighting about. Underneath conflict are assumptions, stories, shame, vulnerability, and the question both people may be afraid to ask: “Am I enough?”
✅ Better relationships require uncomfortable conversations. Vulnerability means admitting when you’re wrong, asking for what you need, hearing feedback, giving grace, and trusting that your relationship can handle some friction. There is no growth without discomfort.
Read the full version below. Ready to schedule a consult? Pick a time that works for you here. Ready for a relationship check in? Take this short self-assessment.
What Is Couple Therapy Really About?
For the longest time I thought a couple therapist’s role was to watch two people fight and then they pay me. My role is to decide who is right and who is wrong. The idea of picking a side and listening to yelling and screaming turned me off to the idea for a while. As a person who struggles with confrontation, my arm pits were sweating just thinking about it. I stayed in my lane with individual therapy until a client asked to bring in their spouse. Every once in a while, I do this, just to gain perspective or provide some education around a mental health topic. I talked over the session in supervision and was asked, “why not work with couples?”. I was already doing group work, and couples are just a small group.
As per usual, I start reading. I take continuing education around couple therapy. As I absorbed the information, my idea of what couple therapy is completely changed. It’s not about picking a side, listening to arguments, or settling disputes. Couple therapy is about creating a space where both partners can be heard. It’s about teaching and guiding. It’s about giving them the language to understand their partner and themselves.
I listened to this podcast recently about a book called The Art of Conflict. The discussion in the podcast and the premise of the book is that conflict is necessary and inevitable. If we want to maintain connection and belonging, there will be conflict. The problem is we don’t know how to hold conflict and come out on the other side.
What often happens in conflict is that people become dysregulated and all ability to communicate goes out the window. Out of desperation to be heard, each partner starts throwing the proverbial poo. Each person wants to be heard so much so that they stop listening. They stop seeing the other person in the room as their partner and start seeing them as the reason for the entire conflict. The Gottmans call it The Four Horseman.
In couple therapy we work to change that. I mentioned in my previous blog that there are two people involved in the conflict and so there must be two people involved in the solution. The first step is getting both partners back to themselves and away from the petulant children they turn into during conflict.
Why Conflict Feels So Hard in Relationships
Let’s start with biology
Humans are running on an outdated operating system. Imagine trying to have a Zoom meeting using dial up internet. The signal is broken up and glitchy so the message gets distorted and lost.
What happens to your brain during conflict
The limbic system is the control center for the fight or flight reactions of our brain. Our brain interprets signals as safe or threat. If the brain feels threatened it sends out all sorts of alarms. We go into survival mode. We can feel our hearts racing, getting sweaty and flushed. Our tone of voice can be sharp and loud.
The most advanced and newest addition to our brain is the prefrontal cortex. This part of our brain is responsible for emotional regulation, logic, and using our words to communicate. When our fight or flight brain is activated, our prefrontal cortex is deactivated. Its evolutionary. We don’t have time to discuss whether the lion chasing us will bite our heads off or just ignore us. We need to react – fast.
The problem is that we are behind on our updates. So, our brain perceives lots of things as threats that aren’t really threats at all. A disagreement with your partner and a lion chasing you evoke the same fight or flight response.
I share this video about flipping your lid to give couples a visual about how the brain works.
How to regulate before you communicate
Conflict in couples is fueled by evolutionary reactions.
We can agree that when we are dysregulated, we are not going to have a productive conversation. But this doesn’t mean that we don’t ever have the conversation. This means that we figure out what is grounding for us and wait until we find calm before we talk about something that is important. Each person is responsible for their reactions. You are allowed to ask for a break, use that time to regulate.
Taking care of yourself, getting enough sleep, moving your body, and eating good food will improve your efficiency in self-regulation.
How to Communicate Better with Your Partner
Start with easier conversations
Don’t jump into the deep end with the mother of all disagreements. Start with something a little less pointy. Do you think the fisherman on the Deadliest Catch learned how to swim in the freezing Bering Sea? If you have never learned to navigate conflict, start with an easier topic. This will give you confidence and motivation to do the harder work.
Sometimes, practicing with a script can help you get the cadence of a conversation. It reminds you to listen to what the other person is saying and check in that you have understood it. In sessions, I have been known to interrupt the speaker, pause and ask their partner to repeat what was just said. It can feel awkward and unnatural, but practice makes progress.
It’s us versus the problem, not me versus you
Once we figure out how to create space for both people to be heard, we can turn towards the problem. Since both of you are involved in the problem, both of you get to be part of the solution. Brainstorm ideas, no solution is off limits at this point, consider even the ridiculous ideas. If you can’t decide what solution would be better, try one way for a set amount of time and then try another way for the same amount of time. Give each other honest feedback, what worked and what didn’t?
How to Give and Receive Feedback in a Relationship
How to give feedback to your partner
Now that you have a plan that you are going to execute to solve your problem. You need to re-evaluate and give each other feedback to determine if this solution worked. Just like it takes practice to have a tricky conversation, it takes practice to give and receive feedback. Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy uses a tool called the feedback wheel. Here is a video.
Step 1: Ask if it’s a good time to talk
Sometimes, it’s just not a good time. Let your partner know there is something you’d like to talk about and agree on a time that works for the both of you. Be sure to have the conversation, don’t just kick it down the road.
Step 2: Remind yourself, “why am I bringing this up?”
Remember love. You are in a relationship with a person you care about. You are committed to being better. You are not bringing up this feedback because you want to insult or criticize your partner. You want to share your perspective and experience.
Caution! If you are angry, give yourself time to cool down before you offer feedback. When we’re mad or defensive, we can quickly lose sight of the love and say or do things that are hurtful.
Step 3: Use the feedback wheel
The steps below provide a framework to help you communicate your experience. Keep each section to one or two sentences. Here is a breakdown of the steps.
What I saw and heard: State just the facts. Describe only what you observed.
What I told myself about it: What assumptions did you make? What are the thoughts that are making you upset?
How I feel about it: This is where you can describe your thoughts and feelings on the matter. Use “I” statements, describe your experience without criticizing or judging the other person.
What I’d like to happen in the future: What would help the situation have a different outcome? What is your responsibility and what is your partner’s?
There are no personal attacks on character, no insults, no name calling. The statements are simple and direct. When we speak with kindness, the message is clear. When we start throwing jabs or bringing up old stuff, the message becomes muddy. We lose sight of the point of the conversation, and both people walk away feeling resentment.
Step 4: Remember, Feedback doesn’t control the outcome
This means that you’ve said your piece. You have let your partner know how it makes you feel. Your partner gets to decide what to do about it.
How to receive feedback from your partner
It’s tough hearing that you have hurt or disappointed someone that you care about. I believe that it wasn’t your intention. Regardless, the way your actions landed felt pointy to your partner. When listening to your partner’s feedback remember love. Your partner is sharing this because they are invested in this relationship. The words described their experience, not who you are.
Acknowledge your role
First step, own your shit. Take responsibility of your role in the conflict with your partner.
Make sure you understand what your partner is saying
After listening to your partner's feedback, take a moment to be sure that you understand what they are saying. You can ask some clarifying questions. What part of your partner’s statement can you agree with?
You can acknowledge your partner’s experience without accepting responsibility for something.
Consider what can be done for a different outcome
The last part of the feedback wheel is about what your partner would like to see in the future. This is an opportunity to brainstorm.
This is not an opportunity to point the finger back at your partner or be defensive. If you don’t have any suggestions that’s okay, take some time to think about it.
What Are Couples Really Fighting About?
So far, we’ve talked about some tools to use in conversations with your partner to navigate conflict in a productive way. All of this sounds good on paper. Maybe you’ve given it a try before. If we can navigate conflict by following a script and giving feedback, what is getting in the way of these conversations?
It’s shame and vulnerability. I’m getting sweaty armpits just thinking about it.
Couple therapy provides this space for discussion that may not have occurred otherwise. Sometimes there is almost a feeling of confession. One partner has this thought or feeling that they’ve had for a while and not until therapy are they able to fully grasp it and put it into words.
This is an opportunity for each partner to become aware of their feelings, assumptions, and beliefs. This is also an opportunity to consider their partner’s experiences. We all have our stuff. Each year that passes, each relationship, each success and failure contributes to our belief about ourselves, other people, and the world.
The stories we tell ourselves about our partners
I recently read a statistic from The Confidence Coalition that only 2% of women believe they are beautiful. 90% of women want to change at least one thing about their body. 81% of 10-year-old girls are afraid of being fat.
There is a predetermined definition of what it means to be attractive and women are waxing, shaving, nipping, and tucking to get as close to that “ideal” image as possible. Given the numbers, it is understandable that partners show up in sessions connecting their worth and confidence to physical appearance.
But here is something interesting. We are aware of the cultural pressure for women to look a certain way. But what about the men? Society has set an expectation for men and that shows up in the session too.
Vulnerability and Connection in Couple Therapy
In couple therapy, we talk about where the pressure comes from for both partners. Women feel that they need to be a glamorous goddess, and men worry that they are perceived as weak.
While women are in their heads about their appearance, men are thinking, that’s not it at all. I am attracted to you, what I don’t know is, are you attracted to me?
Two people are having this vulnerable experience that they are keeping to themselves. Both are wondering “am I ____ enough?” and both are incorrectly assuming that they are not _____ enough for their partner. If one partner feels unattractive – that’s a hit to confidence. If one partner feels inadequate – they hesitate to show up.
Each partner has made up a story that they know to be true. The tricky part is considering the alternative.
Moving from “am I enough” to “I know I am enough”
In couple therapy when we get to this place of realization that this “wasn’t what I was thinking at all” and hearing your partner know what they really think, HOLY SHIT. It’s such a powerful “aha” moment that unlocks the next level in the relationship game.
Think of how it would feel to show up with your back fat and cellulite and KNOW, like REALLY KNOW that your partner is infinitesimally attracted to you.
Think of how it would feel to show up knowing that your partner thinks that you are the BEST, like the ultimate best thing since sliced bread. There’s no one better.
That would feel amazing.
How do we get from “I’m worried my partner doesn’t think I’m attractive” to “my partner loves me, warts and all”?
How do we get from “nothing I ever do is right” to “my partner believes that I am enough”?
That takes vulnerability. That takes looking at your shame in the mirror and saying “not today, Satan, go sell stupid someplace else.” This takes courage, showing up as you are and believing you are enough. I am not talking about BS affirmations that you write on a sticky note and have stuck to your mirror.
I am talking about believing that you are deserving and worthy of love.
These sorts of risks feel uncomfortable. We are hard wired for connection yet doing what we need to achieve that connection feels impossible and scary.
What does facing vulnerability and shame look like in couple therapy?
Admitting when you are wrong and giving your partner grace when they make mistakes.
Having tough conversations about your flaws and not criticizing your partner for their flaws.
Asking for what you need and receiving it when it’s offered.
Feeling that you and your relationship are worth the discomfort of hard conversations.
Be willing to have these hard conversations.
Getting out of your own head enough to know when your partner needs to hear “I got you boo” and recognizing that “I got you boo” effort even when your partner falls short.
There Is No Growth Without Discomfort
Okay, sweaty armpit check. How are you feeling? When you think about these statements as they relate to you and your partner, what comes up? Does it feel a little uncomfortable? A little like woo woo therapy BS? I hear ya.
But what if this discomfort means you become a better person, a better parent, a better partner? What if you and your partner figuring your shit out models for your kids what a functional relationship looks like? What if doing this work in couple therapy means you can show up how you want to in all your life domains? Is it worth it?
I’ll put this quote from Daring Greatly here for you to chew on:
“We have to be able to talk about how we feel, what we need and desire, and we have to be able to listen with an open heart and an open mind. There is no intimacy without vulnerability. Yet another powerful example of vulnerability as courage” (Brown, 2012).
Take the Relationship Check-In Self-Assessment
Ready for a relationship check in? Check out this self-assessment to see where the points of friction are in your relationship. This can be a useful tool for individuals and partners to understand what they want from their relationship. Share it with your partner, maybe this is good practice for that feedback wheel. What do you want to give feedback on? What are you ready to hear feedback about?
Are you ready to level up your relationship game? I offer a free consult and tech check to see if we are good fit.
Brown, C. B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Gotham Books.