CBT for ADHD: Two Components of Accountability and How to Use Them

We’ve all been there. We have the best of intentions to do something then it just doesn’t get done. Then, we are reminded of our incomplete tasks and the guilt, shame, and frustration all come flooding in. Or we are hit with the “oh shit” moment when we realize the deadline is rapidly approaching and we have done NOTHING to prepare. Then there is the panic, sleepless nights, and feeling of overwhelm.  When will you have time to do this?!

These things happen. If you have ADHD, these things probably happen frequently. This cycle will take a toll on you and your well-being. That pesky voice in your head is singing the same tune “you’re not good enough” “how could you let this get away from you?” “what’s wrong with you? No one else has problems like this.”  This voice is an asshole.

In Session 10 of CBT for ADHD we use a flow chart to plan out a project from start to finish. We use the skills from the previous sessions to come up with a plan to get started on the project and to see it through. In Session 11, we use accountability and troubleshooting to keep the momentum going.

Accountability is a great tool if it’s used correctly. Beware!  If accountability is served with a side of guilt and shame, it will promote avoidance and resentment instead of motivation.

Let’s say you promised your partner that you would complete a task around the house. Life has been busy, and it has completely fallen off your radar. The project is there waiting and every time you are reminded of it you feel guilt that you haven’t done it yet. Perhaps your partner has shown some frustration that you just keep forgetting it or your partner just ends up doing it. Either of those outcomes make you feel bad. When there is a sense of duty to someone else and you can’t meet that expectation, it comes with a bunch of negative feelings that either lead to you feeling defensive to protect your ego or to feel worthless and not want to do anything at all.

Component One: What type of accountability do you need?  

To use accountability without getting a side of shame, we need to figure out what sort of accountability YOU need. Here are some common ways folks can use accountability to work with you instead of against you.

Including another person in your goal/task.

This can be a workout buddy who meets you at the gym or texts you to get up and join the Peloton ride. If you are a student, you could also schedule office hours with your professor to provide updates on your progress. I schedule Focusmate sessions to complete progress notes. There is just something about seeing another person being productive that makes me want to be productive too.

Understanding the why for the goal/task.

Maybe you were tasked with something at work that seems meaningless to you. Who wants to invest time and effort into busy work? Not me.

If you understand how your role plays a part in the big picture, it helps motivate you to contribute to a greater good. Maybe your partner wants to spend time with you and that will motivate you to get your work done in a timely manner.

Completing a task will prevent an unfavorable event from happening

Do you know that feeling when “yesterday self” set the coffee to come on automatically for “6:00 am self”? That’s motivation. You don’t FEEL like doing setting up the coffee pot all you want to do is go to bed, but just imagining how great it will feel when you have coffee in the morning ready for you, you muster up the energy to set it up.

Having a check in to report progress at different intervals/steps of the task.

This accountability is especially helpful when the due date is far in advance. For instance, taxes are due April 15. You could wait until April 14 to collect all the documents you need and submit them by the midnight deadline. This works, but are  you risking accuracy and creating more anxiety and chaos in your life? What happens if you plan for this deadline and routinely gather items that you will need?  You could create a digital and paper folder that holds documents that you need to submit, and you could have your taxes done by the end of January. As a business owner, I schedule an appointment in October to do a projection for the remaining of the year. If I am missing any documentation from January to October, I have time to find it. I can also adjust any accounting errors that were made and save for tax payment if I need to.

If you are a student or manage projects at work, schedule weekly check-ins with your supervisor or professor so you can fine tune and adjust your process as you go. 

Component Two: Don’t forget that the language is important too.

Whether you are advocating for accountability or you are the person delivering the accountability, words can make or break the dynamic.

Which feels better?

“Why haven’t you emptied the dishwasher yet? “or “Were you able to get to the dishwasher?”

Here’s another example:

“I know you mentioned cleaning out your car this weekend, is that still on your radar?” This sounds much better than “this car is a shit show, when are you ever going to clean it?!”

Before you say it, consider how your statement will land. You get more bee’s with honey than vinegar, just sayin’.

Beware of the power dynamic

Something to look out for, especially in couples, is a power dynamic in the relationship. One partner feels that they must constantly remind the other or just do the task themselves. The other partner feels like a child being scolded for not getting their chores done. Neither role lays groundwork for a functional and romantic relationship.

When you ask for accountability, this does not mean that you are relieving yourself of the responsibility and can blame the other person when the task doesn’t get done.

Do not say “If you want me to empty the dishwasher, you need to remind me. I can’t remember all this shit on my own”. Instead try, “I struggle holding a bunch of tasks in my brain, if you are able to check in with me midday, that would really help”. If your partner forgets to check in, it’s not time to lay blame, it’s time to set up a different method of accountability.

If you would like to have more frequent check ins with your boss or professor, try “it’s important that I turn in a good quality product, weekly check ins help to be sure we are both on the same page and the end result gets delivered in a timely fashion with few errors”.

Need some accountability in your life?

What I love about this session of CBT for ADHD is that we get to share our progress and hear about the progress of others. The group knows how difficult tasks can be because we have the same struggle. We get it. We are also a group of folks who thrive off positive emotion and we love handing out gold stars. It may seem silly but an appreciation for an accomplishment, especially something new that you are trying really goes a long way in keeping up the good work.

CBT for ADHD, coaching, and therapy are like scaffolding for a building. The external supports are up until the building can stand on its own. Once it’s ready, the scaffolding is taken away and the structure is solid. Practice and rehearsal are key to implementing new skills and mindsets. Failure will be mixed in there, but if we have the proper scaffolding in place we can practice skills and navigate the failure while keeping momentum.

Are you ready to get started? Learn more about CBT for ADHD here or schedule a consult.